They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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