had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize