Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
