Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
