Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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