it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
