Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Say something about gay babies.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
