In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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