Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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