I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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