i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize