im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
