My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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