It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I smell stomach acid.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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