Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
