You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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