This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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