i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
