walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
