I'm going to jail i love you
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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