this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
