I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
