i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
