Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Randomize
