I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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