if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
