The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
