i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize