apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
