hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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