if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
