five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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