Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
