I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
