My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
