So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize