He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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