Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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