did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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