The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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