I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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