I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
