He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
