I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
