my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
