I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
