Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there's paper in my vomit.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
