1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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