before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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