Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
