Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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