Pappa wants mamma naked
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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