Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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