Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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