Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
And then he peed in my hair
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