I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
