When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize