Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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