I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
