Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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