I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just made out with a guy for $7.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
