i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
