Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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